WEATHER

Have you heard? Reconquista sandwiches today.  I'm chaining up the troika.  The sky has shifted, it faces you now.  No time for mythology no time for relationships.  The sky  has shifted it's calling you now.  Best get out before you become one of them.  Looking around you wonder where you went.  Standing over the traces of an argument, you feel so hopeful at sunset. You're in the shadow of a five-year affair.  
Once on the road someone calls out your name.  You pull over and take a piss but never turn your head.  You're way out near the prison  in nowhere, Nevada.   Welcome home, Jack.  May the desert lash your back.  May the flying creatures shit upon you.  May you rest on the sagebrush while the ancient sage of chinese thought sages you with his slutty repertoire of one-liners.   Welcome back, Jack.  Suck on some earth.  Suck water out of a rock.  May you call out from the plains, from a landscape in pain, from that great insurmountable pressure of emptiness.  

LOSERVILLE

Vikings' Head Coach Leslie Frazier Actually Just Listening to Justin Bieber  


After a Litany Questionable Calls on the Field,  Team Discovers That Coach is Deep in the Throes of Bieber Fever 


(KB) GREEN BAY - It was another crushing loss for the Vikings last night at Lambeau Field, putting up only 7 points to the Packers' 114.   Despite the team's mounting problems of ineptitude on both sides of the ball, laziness, penalty infractions, their very future in question and the arrest of seven of it's players for being degenerate neanderthals, an even newer concern arose on the sidelines last night in Green Bay:  Head Coach Leslie Frazier's headset is not linked to his coaching network, but in fact a live stream of Justin Bieber.
     "When he told me we were gonna punt the ball in the last 20 seconds of the first half,  I just knew his head was in the clouds again,"  says quarterback Christian Ponder.  "I mean, punt the ball with 20 seconds left?  Are you fucking stupid?"
     He's stupid alright, Christian.  Crazy stupid for boy-wonder shiny pants.

COMMERCE

Despite Economic "recession", Americans continue to Spend Shit-Tons of Money on Worthless Crap
New cars, techie gadgets and boner pills appear to keep nation's economy afloat 

(KB) Los Angeles -   Americans' pockets don't appear to be as empty as their souls, which they are consistently hurling consumer products into as an effort to satisfy their juvenile thirst for material luxuries and status affirmation.
      "It's striking behavior,"  says consumer analyst Connie Poon-Weippe,  "considering that ninety percent of Americans are affording their lifestyle via complicated hierarchies of household debt."
      President Obama's administration has labeled the nation's current economic situation as a "dire financial recession coupled with a no-confidence investment outlook perhaps not seen since Leave it to Beaver was canceled."