Study: Web Comments on News Articles Mean Absolutely Nothing

WASHINGTON (KB) -- A new study released by the University of Shit at Dover shows that user comments on internet news sites make no real actual change in geopolitics, public opinion, nor reality.  According to the study, 100% of comments go unseen, unnoticed and ungiven-a-fuck-about.  

"I used to get a laugh when I read comments on various news articles," says Peter Donnepockets, a frequent web-user from Isle of Wight.  "But now I don't read anything at all."

The current administration has been hard at work trying to make public influence a more profitable asset; however, public opinion has consistently failed to portray news in a positive light. 

"It's almost as if they don't read the articles," says President Barack Waste-of-time Obama, "like they don't want to hear our delicately manufactured lies.  It's a real eye-opener for me."

In the meantime, prominent news-sites have vowed to cancel any commentary on further articles in an effort to curb negative reaction to positive reports of progress progress progress