WEATHER

Have you heard? Reconquista sandwiches today.  I'm chaining up the troika.  The sky has shifted, it faces you now.  No time for mythology no time for relationships.  The sky  has shifted it's calling you now.  Best get out before you become one of them.  Looking around you wonder where you went.  Standing over the traces of an argument, you feel so hopeful at sunset. You're in the shadow of a five-year affair.  
Once on the road someone calls out your name.  You pull over and take a piss but never turn your head.  You're way out near the prison  in nowhere, Nevada.   Welcome home, Jack.  May the desert lash your back.  May the flying creatures shit upon you.  May you rest on the sagebrush while the ancient sage of chinese thought sages you with his slutty repertoire of one-liners.   Welcome back, Jack.  Suck on some earth.  Suck water out of a rock.  May you call out from the plains, from a landscape in pain, from that great insurmountable pressure of emptiness.  

LOSERVILLE

Vikings' Head Coach Leslie Frazier Actually Just Listening to Justin Bieber  


After a Litany Questionable Calls on the Field,  Team Discovers That Coach is Deep in the Throes of Bieber Fever 


(KB) GREEN BAY - It was another crushing loss for the Vikings last night at Lambeau Field, putting up only 7 points to the Packers' 114.   Despite the team's mounting problems of ineptitude on both sides of the ball, laziness, penalty infractions, their very future in question and the arrest of seven of it's players for being degenerate neanderthals, an even newer concern arose on the sidelines last night in Green Bay:  Head Coach Leslie Frazier's headset is not linked to his coaching network, but in fact a live stream of Justin Bieber.
     "When he told me we were gonna punt the ball in the last 20 seconds of the first half,  I just knew his head was in the clouds again,"  says quarterback Christian Ponder.  "I mean, punt the ball with 20 seconds left?  Are you fucking stupid?"
     He's stupid alright, Christian.  Crazy stupid for boy-wonder shiny pants.

COMMERCE

Despite Economic "recession", Americans continue to Spend Shit-Tons of Money on Worthless Crap
New cars, techie gadgets and boner pills appear to keep nation's economy afloat 

(KB) Los Angeles -   Americans' pockets don't appear to be as empty as their souls, which they are consistently hurling consumer products into as an effort to satisfy their juvenile thirst for material luxuries and status affirmation.
      "It's striking behavior,"  says consumer analyst Connie Poon-Weippe,  "considering that ninety percent of Americans are affording their lifestyle via complicated hierarchies of household debt."
      President Obama's administration has labeled the nation's current economic situation as a "dire financial recession coupled with a no-confidence investment outlook perhaps not seen since Leave it to Beaver was canceled."

LEISURE

Handicapped Lead Way in Public Space Use
City's urban spaces remain grossly unused save the disabled crowd

(KB) DES MOINES - In a new report issued by the Committee on Recreational Space Procurement, statistics reveal that Polk County parks and public spaces are only properly utilized by the disabled population.  Proper use of these spaces is the committee's gauge on community demand for public spaces in Polk County.
       "Currently we're seeing gross under-use of our urban gardens here in Des Moines,"  says Marie Schopenskwat, a committee leader.  "Unfortunately, proper use of public space does not cover teenagers copulating in our fountains after dark or white-collar criminal activity in the public restrooms."   If it weren't for the handicapped, Schopenskwat says, the city's budget for public spaces would be terminated indefinitely. 

LIFESTYLE

Ma and I came across some Indians.

It happened when we were looking to get on U.S. Highway 212 in Crow Agency, Montana.  U.S. Highway 212 runs continuously from Cooked City to Edina.   Some have called it "the Warrior Trail".  Some have called it the most beautiful route in America.  Some have called it "the highway". 

Anmaalapammuua is the place where Crows mourned a war party that came home nearly vanquished.
Nearby, there now sits a laundromat called Ammaaiisshuuwuua.   This is the town of Crow Agency.
Near the laundromat, there's a spray-painted clapboard on the road that says "NDN Taco $4.20". 

At the end of the block there is an IGA store.  My Ma was once told that IGA stands for Indian Grab Anything.  In a back lot down the road, sitting in a bunch of yellow grass, there is the Little Big Horn College.   We decided to turn around and get an NDN Taco. 

The sister was behind a table that sat outside the side door of a house.  She welcomed us to come and eat.   Two brothers were sitting on a wooden picnic table in the yard.  It was a nice yard because it was well shaded by very large trees.  The trees were probably there way back when Custer got slain dead by some female warrior of the prairie.

Gathering her supplies, the young sister prepared us one NDN taco.  She had sent her brother to the IGA to get cheese.  Meanwhile, she piled tomatoes, cooked hamburger and sour cream on top of a fry bread.  My Ma and I asked the two gentlemen on the picnic table if they knew where the highway to Belle Fourche was.  Then the kid came back from IGA with a block of velveeta.
"That's not cheese!" the sister told him.
"It's all they had!" he said. 

The gentlemen did not know of a highway to Belle Fourche.   I asked them if they knew where the 212 was.
"Oh, the highway!"  one said.
"The highway," said the other.  "You should go back on the interstate, then get off the interstate at the next exit.  That is the highway.  It is only across the river."  The Little Big Horn River.

OPINION

25 REASONS MINNESOTANS SHOULD BE SELF-CRITICAL

For City Pages’ constant tradition of patting it’s own state on the back, here are

twenty-five reasons why it should not be taken to such arm-dislocating levels.

25.  Oregon Trail was an anglo-centric video game masked as an educational tool, which encouraged a whole generation of institutional videots into society.  Thanks!

24.  Minnesota is the most corporate state in the nation.  From Best Buy to General Mills to Target, they are doing their best to keep the free market suppressed and the corporatocracy your lord.

23.  Bragging about your gay population is like bragging about gas stations.  No shit, they’re everywhere.

22.  Hipsters are obnoxious twats who act poor yet pay five to ten dollars for a beer brewed less than a mile away.

21.  Though you have one, single, snazzy light rail line, it has gone bankrupt and is still a far cry from being comprehensive public  transportation.  

20.  Bob Dylan and the Coen Bros left Minnesota for a reason - to get the hell away from that tone-deaf, purple freak.

19.  Your obsession with all things deep-fried is the reason why you’re a stagnant sea of fat-assed, wobbling weeble-people.

18.  Michelle Bachmann is a mere piss in Lake Superior compared to all the loony-toon, faith-based nut jobs running around the place.

17.  Can’t go one week without reading about a murder, rape, hate-crime, abduction or pedophile.  Now that’s what I call Minnesota Nice!

16.  Your kind, open doors toward the world’s refugees is explained as an abuse of cheap labor and the welcome is overshadowed by your indifference toward them once they’ve arrived.

15.  Your so-called “green bikes” are only green by color.  They are credit-card activated, government paid rip-off rides that appeal only to suckers and Mayor R.T. Rybak.  Somebody is getting a free ride off those pieces of shit but it certainly ain’t you. 

14.  There’s nothing like a world-class performing arts center like the Guthrie!  Except of course the fact that it is completely marred from view by the ugliest parking garage in history.  Meanwhile down the street, the historic Southern Theatre crumbles.

13.  Your state capitol is dwarfed by a house of God.  There’s hardly a separation between the two and there’s no question as to who calls the shots.

12.  Norm Coleman and Denny Hecker!

11.  Hamm’s and Schmidt’s took off to operate in a place without the tax-happy morality mafia - a nearby state where adults can purchase and enjoy a cold beer at a fair price and at any fucking time they choose. 

10. 3M has been poisoning your precious waters for decades.   Skin disease or nervous damage anyone?  The Mayo Clinic will gladly experiment on you in exchange for your house.

9.  Any town outside of the immediate twin cities metro area could petition for an official name change to “Redneck City” or “Dipshit-In-A-Pickup Central”. 

10.  The Minneapolis Institute of the Arts has one of the greatest collections in the world, yet the only thing that gets you wet is the trash down at the Walker. 

9.  “Minnesota Nice” is a good term to refer to your meekish, Lutheran, color-by-number types who are intellectually unable to refuse being stomped on.  You could seriously piss in their ears and tell them it’s raining.  

8.  Not only is the Mississippi not the longest river in the country, it is so polluted with sewage, waste, chemicals and dead bodies that a quick swim would quickly turn you into your favorite gimmick:  a zombie.

7.   Nothing says punk rock like a show at First Avenue after purchasing a parking space with your credit card and paying your fair share of a new sports stadium via food & drink tax.

6.  The Minnesota State Fair should be renamed The Great Minnesota Wallet Gouging.

5.    To the DJs at The Current; just admit it, some songs are total shit.  Quit praising them at the cost of your own credibility.  Show some professional criticism you goddamn groupies.   

4. Your pro teams make billions off your fanaticism; they suck ass on the field, and then ask you to pick up the bill for their new stadiums.  You gladly throw your money into their bottomless pit and simultaneously bitch about light-rail expansion.

3.  “NO POLITICS IN MY BAR!!”

2.  The University of Minnesota’s logo is an upside-down “W”!  Hahahahahahaha!

1.  Welcome to the land of 10,000 rules!

THE ARTS

                                 DEBUT ALBUM COMING FALL 2011

                                        RED ARROW SKY