25 REASONS MINNESOTANS SHOULD BE SELF-CRITICAL
For City Pages’ constant tradition of patting it’s own state on the back, here are
twenty-five reasons why it should not be taken to such arm-dislocating levels.
25. Oregon Trail was an anglo-centric video game masked as an educational tool, which encouraged a whole generation of institutional videots into society. Thanks!
24. Minnesota is the most corporate state in the nation. From Best Buy to General Mills to Target, they are doing their best to keep the free market suppressed and the corporatocracy your lord.
23. Bragging about your gay population is like bragging about gas stations. No shit, they’re everywhere.
22. Hipsters are obnoxious twats who act poor yet pay five to ten dollars for a beer brewed less than a mile away.
21. Though you have one, single, snazzy light rail line, it has gone bankrupt and is still a far cry from being comprehensive public transportation.
20. Bob Dylan and the Coen Bros left Minnesota for a reason - to get the hell away from that tone-deaf, purple freak.
19. Your obsession with all things deep-fried is the reason why you’re a stagnant sea of fat-assed, wobbling weeble-people.
18. Michelle Bachmann is a mere piss in Lake Superior compared to all the loony-toon, faith-based nut jobs running around the place.
17. Can’t go one week without reading about a murder, rape, hate-crime, abduction or pedophile. Now that’s what I call Minnesota Nice!
16. Your kind, open doors toward the world’s refugees is explained as an abuse of cheap labor and the welcome is overshadowed by your indifference toward them once they’ve arrived.
15. Your so-called “green bikes” are only green by color. They are credit-card activated, government paid rip-off rides that appeal only to suckers and Mayor R.T. Rybak. Somebody is getting a free ride off those pieces of shit but it certainly ain’t you.
14. There’s nothing like a world-class performing arts center like the Guthrie! Except of course the fact that it is completely marred from view by the ugliest parking garage in history. Meanwhile down the street, the historic Southern Theatre crumbles.
13. Your state capitol is dwarfed by a house of God. There’s hardly a separation between the two and there’s no question as to who calls the shots.
12. Norm Coleman and Denny Hecker!
11. Hamm’s and Schmidt’s took off to operate in a place without the tax-happy morality mafia - a nearby state where adults can purchase and enjoy a cold beer at a fair price and at any fucking time they choose.
10. 3M has been poisoning your precious waters for decades. Skin disease or nervous damage anyone? The Mayo Clinic will gladly experiment on you in exchange for your house.
9. Any town outside of the immediate twin cities metro area could petition for an official name change to “Redneck City” or “Dipshit-In-A-Pickup Central”.
10. The Minneapolis Institute of the Arts has one of the greatest collections in the world, yet the only thing that gets you wet is the trash down at the Walker.
9. “Minnesota Nice” is a good term to refer to your meekish, Lutheran, color-by-number types who are intellectually unable to refuse being stomped on. You could seriously piss in their ears and tell them it’s raining.
8. Not only is the Mississippi not the longest river in the country, it is so polluted with sewage, waste, chemicals and dead bodies that a quick swim would quickly turn you into your favorite gimmick: a zombie.
7. Nothing says punk rock like a show at First Avenue after purchasing a parking space with your credit card and paying your fair share of a new sports stadium via food & drink tax.
6. The Minnesota State Fair should be renamed The Great Minnesota Wallet Gouging.
5. To the DJs at The Current; just admit it, some songs are total shit. Quit praising them at the cost of your own credibility. Show some professional criticism you goddamn groupies.
4. Your pro teams make billions off your fanaticism; they suck ass on the field, and then ask you to pick up the bill for their new stadiums. You gladly throw your money into their bottomless pit and simultaneously bitch about light-rail expansion.
3. “NO POLITICS IN MY BAR!!”
2. The University of Minnesota’s logo is an upside-down “W”! Hahahahahahaha!
1. Welcome to the land of 10,000 rules!
wow.you certainly sound angry. hope it won't make you the emeny of minisota. seems like too much anger in your heart. have you asked yourself. what are you really angry about? Minisoda? There is no place in the world can be perfect. So if you live in that state, you'd better embrace it. if you can't change the world. change your attitude. if it is such a horrible place. don't even try to like it. save your energy on your art creation. you can probalby creat a perfect place to you in your writing. looking forward to seeing it. see how your ideal place is like.
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